Dishing the Dirt on Food That Sucks

Sometimes I’m disgusted by the things I see on television here. It’s not the filth I hear coming out of people’s mouths – it’s the filth I see going into them.

Not five minutes ago, I saw a television reporter interview an old man while he dug up live octopi buried on a beach. The old man held up a baby octopus and ripped off one of its tentacles. It was about a foot long – maybe even more – and he gave it to the reporter to eat.

Who in the heck wants to put a foot-long, live, squirming and sucking octopus tentacle into their mouth? Well, the TV reporter sure did. And he loved every bite, even the ones where the suction cups attached themselves to the roof of his mouth and the back of his throat. I don’t know about you, but where I come from people complain when their food sucks.

If you think I’ve just got a prejudice against live animal consumption, think again and keep reading.

Last night, I watched a cooking program called The Gold Spoon. Three chefs are given a specific amount of time in which to create a gourmet meal to be served on a spoon. Six judges observe the preparations, taste the miniature meal-in-spoon, and award The Gold Spoon to the creator of the best dish.

It was fun to see what kinds of creative, decorative dishes the chefs prepared on the spoons. It was also fun to see the apprehension on the judges’ faces as they watched the preparations.

One chef used a combination of greasy pig skin and fat, rubbery sea cucumber, and some other disgusting, slimy, fatty substance to create a “collagen-rich” meal. Ick. The ladies actually seemed pretty excited to try that one – I guess it must be some beauty secret that I’ve (obviously) not caught on to just yet.

My favorite was the chef who brought in a basket of fresh root vegetables, straight from the ground. He carefully washed the dirt off the vegetables and put them back in the basket. Then, to the astonishment of EVERYONE, he strained the pan of dirty water and placed it on the stove to boil. Dirty water? Well, at least he boiled the bacteria out of it.

I stared at the TV screen with my eyes bulging and mouth gaping open. My trance was finally broken when the chef became visibly irritated with the judges' cries of “DIRT?! DIRT!!!! Ehhhhh?? He’s cooking dirt??”

Without missing a beat, he snapped back, “It’s called SOIL!” Well excuuuuuuse me!

From that point on, the judges cries became “dirrr..SOIL!? SOIL!? Ehhhh?? He’s cooking dirrr….SOIL?!”

The dirt chef, um, I mean SOIL chef, added fried onions and purple grapes to his concoction. I’m not sure about the rest of the ingredients, but I wouldn’t dare guess what goes with soil, onions and grapes!

When the buzzer sounded, the chefs stopped their work and presented the final products to the judges.

If only I could recreate in words the judges’ reactions to the dish of dirt. After sampling the spoon of soil, the most confused looks appeared on their faces. It was a look that said something like: “I cannot believe I just swallowed a spoon of dirt, onions and grapes on live television.” This was followed by a look that said: “What the hell?! I can’t believe it’s actually delicious.” The final look said: “Oh no, I ain't gonna be the first to say it! C'mon guys (looking around) SOMEONE get some balls and SAY IT!”

“Oooiiii?! shiiiiii?! Oishii, yes, oishii! OISHII!!!!!!!” the judges finally cried.

Yes, the chef that dished the dirt got the Gold Spoon. I wonder what his next creation will be…
if it sucks, it'll probably be a big hit.