Woman's Best Friend

I’ve never been a dog person.  Never, ever, as long as I can remember.  As a baby, I had a pet dog named Jenny.  All I know is that she was a small dog with curly, black fur.  I don’t remember her at all.  Since then, we’ve only had cats:  Ripert, Charming, Hulky, Specs, Radka and some other random cats that I can’t recall.

Ever since my parents and brothers left Texas and moved to Maryland, and later Virginia, they’ve been on a Golden Retriever kick.  First there was Sarge (RIP), then Bear and then Tex.  

I always thought of dogs as smelly, dirty, annoying creatures.  They’re pretty dumb, too, and need too much attention.  But you know what?  They’re not really that bad after all.

Since coming back to the States, I’ve been living with my parents in VA.  Previously, I’ve only visited their home for short periods, so I’m not familiar with this area and I don’t know anybody here.  I spend most of my time at home with Bear and Tex.  I’ll never forget the first day I was alone with them – my mom and dad left for work and they told me to let the dogs out every few hours.  So I did, even though I know they aren’t normally let out that often since nobody is usually home during the day.  

I resisted the dogs jumping on me, attacking me with their sloppy, wet tongues.  I was disgusted when they sat next to me at the dinner table, sniffing and drooling.  I taunted them with butter and chocolate and laughed when they foolishly obeyed insane commands like “Bang-bang!” (whereby I point my finger like it’s a gun and they fall to the ground, roll over and play dead).

Day after day, we continued our game of annoying one another.  I started to think they were pretty fucking hilarious creatures.  They were a walking, shitting, furry sideshow for me and I couldn’t get enough.

Slowly, I began to see that they had their own personalities.  Tex is the youngest, and quite rambunctious.  He’s a light blonde color and has a slender build.  He’s a little punk who’s not very concerned with getting attention and not as affectionate as his brother, but he does like to lick.  He shoots out his tongue in rapid spurts, like he’s a lizard or something.  It’s so weird!  He has a cute way of sitting, too – he crosses his arms in such a feminine little way!  He’s not as good with commands – he’s the only one of our dogs that’s never been to obedience school.  He hates the neighbor’s dog, another Golden named Max, and will attack him if given the opportunity.  He froths at the mouth and barks like mad when he spots squirrels and chipmunks from the kitchen window.

Bear’s my little doll – he has a deep, orange-colored coat that’s so soft.  He’s a little chubby and pretty mellow.  When he’s not getting any attention from anybody, he’ll go into the laundry room and grab some dirty underwear from the basket.  He’ll casually walk into the kitchen, slowly parading his find until settling under the table and waiting for someone to scold him and grab it from his mouth.  How toddler-esque is that?!  It’s adorable, really.  He has this stuffed monkey toy, too, and I taught him the word “monkey”.  I’ll say, “Bear, where’s your monkey?” and he’ll go find it and bring it back.  Now he thinks *anything* is his “monkey” and if he can’t find the actual toy, he’ll just grab anything.

I like to watch Bear and Tex rough-house outside in the yard.  It’s pretty funny to watch them “take a hike” and “do their duty” – my dad’s way of telling them to urinate and defecate.  Sometimes they, um, play gay?  I don’t know if they’re actually gay or just hard up for some action, but it cracks me up nonetheless.  They’ll sit at attention, side by side, in front of the front screen door and watch as I drive away.  It breaks my heart, even though I know I’ll be back soon, and sometimes I stay and wave and blow kisses to them before leaving.  When they see Dad’s car pass, they’ll run to the back door and wait for him to come in.  If you let them out in the morning and say, “Go get the paper!” they’ll run out to the end of the driveway and Tex will pick it up.  They’ll both run back and, as if in a relay, Tex will drop it off mid-way to let Bear finish the race.  It’s so funny!

These days, you’ll find me hugging and kissing the dogs incessantly.  I’ll even get down on the floor with them and cuddle.  I don’t mind the licks so much, as long as they don’t lick my face.  I talk to them like they’re my little babies and I feed them from my plate.  I give them far too many treats, but I still taunt them a little.  It’s just the sadist in me, you know.  Normally, I don’t have anyone else to hang out with and the dogs have become, to quote my mother quoting me, “my only friends”.  It may seem pitiful, but that’s all right.  They’ve actually become real friends to me, and one of my few sources of happiness lately.  I’ll miss them sorely when I’m gone… that is, until I get myself a little Turkish kitten!